Parental Guidance
by silverball
Summary: Kagura goes on a date with Okita and Gintoki's parental instincts kick in. In other words, he stalks them. GinxKagu, OkitaxKagu
1. Chapter 1

dedicated to Mad Hatter who gave me the idea...

**Chapter 1**

Such a dreary Friday afternoon had never before existed. There had been no phone calls, no visits from potential customers, not even a whisper from their landlady about the freaking rent. Draped in his chair in a manner befitting his position of Lazy Ass, with his arms folded behind his head and feet up on the desk, Gintoki was feeling _extremely _bored. It wasn't very often that he felt extremely anything at all. "Aah... I'm bored." he voiced aloud. Even the words, barely spoken, seemed to sink lazily downwards to earth.

The house was being unusually quiet today, with Shinpachi back at the dojo. Kagura, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen.

"Kaaaaaguraaa....." Gintoki called. He waited a few seconds, expecting the red head to pop up at any moment. When it didn't, he tried again. "Kaaaaaguraaa..."

There was no answer.

Gintoki got up and walked slowly towards the closet, which was normally Kagura's hideout. "Oy..." he said while sliding the paper door. Then he noticed the post-it that had been stuck there. Gintoki recognised Kagura's round handwriting.

_I've gone out to meet somebody. Glasses left some food in the fridge if you're hungry._

Gintoki stared at the note in his hand until the first sentence absorbed itself into his brain through aerial osmosis.

_I've gone out to meet somebody._

Curiosity took over him. From what he knew of her, Kagura didn't really have close friends her age, and she normally spent her days inside the house because sunlight was bad for Yato skin or something like that.

_I've gone out to meet somebody._

_Read: I've gone out on a date with somebody._

_Read: I've got a boyfriend._

Now fully awake, alarm bells began to go off in his mind. Reaching the _genkan_ at a half-sprint, Gintoki pulled on his boots while simultaneously wrenching the front door open. He was just leaping down the stairs, four at a time, and sprinting down the road when he realised what he was doing, and stopped.

_Wait. What am I doing?! Trying to stop Kagura's date? More importantly, when did I become so MATERNAL?!_

It was a horrific thought and he felt a sudden craving for a chocolate parfait to calm his nerves.

Inside the Natural Perm-y workings of Gintoki's brain, the Voice of Reason began a heated debate with the Voice of Irreverence.

_Voice of Reason: She's fourteen, for Christ's sake... Sure, it may be a bit young for a 'serious' relationship, but there's nothing wrong in a bit of harmless fun. Besides, it's not like any normal person could beat that kid in a fight._

Gintoki had to agree with this last part.

_Voice of Irreverence: Okay, so she can protect herself from physical harm... but what about EMOTIONAL harm?! You know how naive that kid is, she could suffer serious emotional damage and never trust love again..._

Irreverence had won. Gintoki paid for his parfait and headed straight for the destination in which he was sure Kagura's date would take place: the Park.

Among the red-light districts of Edo, the Park was the only relatively sober place where couples could pretend their relationships were purely Platonian, before drifting in the general direction of the love hotels. The colossal stone fountain in the middle served as a picturesque background for a date, with the entire package included: little kids playing with their paper boats, the occasional sparrow fending for breadcrumbs. Today, there was the extra addition of a mysterious guy in a long brown coat, sporting a pair of dark sunglasses and a mop of silver curly hair.

No prizes for guessing who that is.

Staring around at each of the couples suspiciously from behind his stalker specs, Gintoki was looking out for a glimpse of red hair and an umbrella. Occasionally a thought bubble would appear, containing a flash of sanity: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! but Gintoki pushed this away to the back of his consciousness.

He told himself it was purely for the sake of protecting Kagura. But deep down inside, he was curious as to who this mysterious suitor was.

_Voice of Reason: Now you're a high school girl as well as a helicopter mom. Always hovering._

_Voice of Irreverence: Shut up._

Half and hour later, and just when Gintoki was thinking of giving up, Kagura appeared. Gintoki snapped out of his trance and quickly assumed a nonchalant pose, all crossed legs and looking up at the sky. In his peripheral vision, he tried to decipher who this new 'boyfriend' was. From what he could see, the boy walking next to Kagura was of average height, had hair the color of straw, and was wearing a white kimono.

As if sensing the fiery beams issuing from Gintoki's orbs, the boy instinctively turned around and stared at him. Unable to control himself, Gintoki's jaw dropped, as he realised who exactly Kagura was going out with.

It was Okita Sougo.

* * *

Hi! Thanks for reading up to this point....

It was meant to be a oneshot but then it got too long. Hopefully I'll end it by the next chapter, who knows. I didn't mean to add Okita at first, but if you guys have been keeping up with the manga... Okay i'm not going to spoil it for you, read it yourself!!

Till next time!


	2. Chapter 2

**-Chapter 2-**

Gintoki could not believe his own eyes.

Okita? The Prince of Planet Sadism? He'd seen the boy around a few times with the Shinsengumi (Those guys never seemed to get anything done), but usually he was either firing bazookas at random, or thinking up ways to kill his superior. No matter which way you looked at it, Okita was undoubtedly - a Bad Influence.

So what was Kagura doing with him?

Okita had turned around again, and the pair continued their traipse around the park. Breathing a sigh of relief, Gintoki assumed that he had not been recognised. With utmost stealth, he crept around the fountain and started to follow them, making sure to keep a healthy 20-meter gap just in case one of them suddenly turned around.

_I wonder what they say to each other, _he thought. So far, he had only heard them bickering every single time they met, the insults shooting off their tongues like venom. Gintoki peered at them from behind, using a thick tree trunk as cover, but he couldn't catch a single word. However, from the movement of their heads, they seemed to be walking along silently.

_Just like the awkwardness of a first date_, Gintoki thought. His clutch tightened around the tree trunk, leaving a prominent hand print in the bark.

Before long, the couple was out of the park and walking down the streets of Edo. A few times, they stopped to look at something - window shopping? and Gintoki hurriedly pretended to stoop and pick something off the floor (Like a rock). This earned him some odd looks from passer-bys, who scuttled around him like crazy was infectious. Well, he'd come this far. Gritting his teeth, Gintoki ignored them and continued to follow his mark.

Once, he thought he'd lost them, but he backtracked and found them buying tickets for a movie. _Aliens versus Pirates versus Ninjas, part 3. _Warning signals began flashing in Gintoki's imagination. Cinemas were never a good sign. In a darkened room, surrounded by other people who were transfixed on the screen... in other words, not looking at you, there was no telling what would happen between two teenagers filled with raging hormones. Innocent knee-touching and holding hands could well spiral into far more dangerous and sinister things...

"ONE TICKET PLEASE!!!" Gintoki practically yelled at the ticket person, slamming a dollar bill down upon a counter, and earning himself several less-than-friendly glances from nearby onlookers.

He had intentionally chosen a seat two rows behind them, where he could easily see what they were doing. For the first hour of the movie, both of them appeared to be watching intently (and unaware of a pair of red eyes boring into their backs). Gintoki, of course, was hardly paying attention to the drivel that was being played onscreen, whereupon a hot-blooded ninja with orange spiky hair was battling a pirate with rubbery arms and legs. Seriously, the stuff they made in Hollywood these days.

Then, as perhaps a snake would do, Okita's arm curled up and placed itself upon Kagura's shoulder, pulling her body closer to his own.

Gintoki leapt up suddenly, steam rising from his head. The villain had struck!! He had to stop them before anything major happened. He was deciding on his next plan of action, when irritated voices began cursing all around him.

"Sit down, you idiot!!" one man shouted. "You're blocking the damn screen!" "I can't see, your wig is in the way!!"

Gintoki was just about to snap "It's my NATURAL hair, not a WIG!" at the person who had yelled, but he held himself back just in time. He couldn't afford to blow his cover. "Sorry," he muttered sheepishly, and sat back down, fuming silently, and all the while focusing on Okita's snakelike arm.

The slim fingers attached to the end of the arm had begun entangling themselves in Kagura's hair (she had let it down today, instead of wearing two buns), twisting around a lock and letting go, in an extremely leisurely way. The action seemed to say to Gintoki: _TRY AND STOP ME. _He could imagine Okita's drawling voice saying it in a jeering tone, challenging him to do something.

Twisting and turning with desperation in his seat, Gintoki tried to think of a way to get Kagura's attention without making any noise. But he was two rows away, and he didn't have a stick or anything to tap her shoulder with. All the while, Okita's unstoppable Hand of Doom was playing with Kagura's hair, and every now and then his thumb would start stroking her neck. The worst thing of all was, she wasn't even trying to stop him!

After two hours of constant inner agony, the film ended and the moviegoers dispersed. Gintoki felt like he had just run a psychological marathon. _Okita, you snake!! _he seethed inwardly, as he stumbled out towards the sunlight.

_There's an even more dangerous snake in his pants, _a voice of warning resounded in Gintoki's mind, which acted like a splash of water in the face. Looking around, he caught sight of them again in the distance. They seemed to be heading in the direction of the shopping mall.

The shopping mall, with its vices of the game arcade, the merry-go-round, and the _purikura. (_Sticker picture machines.)

It was common knowledge in Edo, that whenever couples go into one of the purikura machines, something bad will happen, most of the time involving S-K-I-N-S-H-I-P, and occasionally, even T-O-N-G-U-E-S.

Without wasting any more time, the silver haired samurai picked up his pace, and _ran_.

* * *

Author's note: Aah, probably one more chapter until the end. I had fun writing this. Sorry about Gintoki being kinda OOC here, a bit of a hypocrite really since he's a bit of a libertine himself. :) Hope you liked it, and see you next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

It was hard enough remaining stealthy in the darkened cinema. Now, as Gintoki looked around helplessly at the barrage of purikura machines surrounding him, he realised the challenge that this was going to be.

First of all, all the purikura machines looked pretty much the same: pink and sparkly, decorated with pictures of girls who had eyes half the size of their faces (The edges of their eyes practically _touched.) _They were all pulling the same posture: chin turned down to create the illusion of having a heart-shaped face, and fingers splayed out in a Victory sign. Gintoki had to force down the bile rising in his throat. Furthermore, he had a horrifying feeling that he had lost Okita and Kagura. Among about a hundred of these identical-looking machines, they could be in either one (there were curtains drawn over the entrance of each booth, to ensure privacy).

He was inwardly debating the pros and cons of flipping the curtains of each one, pretending to be looking for a friend, but the fat lady at the counter was already flinging nasty looks in his direction, as if to say _I KNOW WHAT YOU PEDOPHILIC UNCLE TYPES ARE UP TO, AND I'LL BE WATCHING._

Hurriedly, he went further inside the shop and lost himself in a maze of glitter and sPaRkLeZ. Gintoki felt sure that if he was exposed to these radioactive pink rays any longer, he might suffer permanent brain damage. Already, his eyes were starting to water. Then he decided that the best thing he could do, without seeming suspicious, was to listen out for voices. _Yes, _he thought. _I can recognise both of those brats' voices from a mile away. _He began listening out for a girl speaking in a Chinese accent, or for a bored drawling voice.

This plan, however, also proved exceedingly difficult as anybody speaking in normal tones would inevitably be drained out by high-decibel girly giggles from within the booths. Gintoki had fought in the Joui War many years ago, but those sword-wielding, cannon-firing aliens were nothing compared to these pre-teen horrors. Suddenly, a swarm of them rushed past him, all looking like clones of each other, dressed in the lastest _gyaru _fashion and complaining loudly so Gintoki caught every word.

"Oh, My, God, what, a, jerk!" said one of the girls, whom Gintoki mentally named Ham #1.

"I, can't, believe, he, forced, us, out, of, there!" replied Ham #2. The other Hams all nodded emphatically as they entered another booth.

_...Jerk? _Gintoki thought. _That sounds just like Okita to me. _Without a second thought, he headed towards the purikura machine the girls had just come out of. To make sure that it was them, he used a trick that a perverted uncle had once taught him. From his sleeve, he withdrew a tiny pocket mirror and placed it on the floor so just half of it went beyond the curtain. As a result, he would be able to see what was going on inside.

From what he could see, there was only one person sitting inside the booth. It wasn't Okita, but he looked a bit too familiar. In fact, Gintoki knew him very well.

Gintoki flung open the curtains. "HIJIKATA?! What the hell are you doing here?!"

"_Shut up, you moron!" _Hijikata hissed, putting a finger to his lips. "_Are you coming in or not?!" _He dragged Gintoki in by the elbow and they both ended up sitting there side by side. Two grown men, in a shocking pink and glittery purikura booth.

"Don't tell me..." Gintoki began in an undertone. "You're spying on them as well?! Since when?"

"You forget.." Hijikata whispered back. "This is the Prince of Sadist Planet we're talking about... gotta make sure he doesn't do anything illegal. By the way, they're just next door," he said, pointing at the neighbouring booth.

They both stared in that direction, willing themselves to have x-ray vision, but all they could see were two pairs of feet which definitely belonged to Kagura and Okita.

"Four feet on the ground, we're safe for the moment," Gintoki muttered.

"Once the sticker pictures come out," Hijikata said, motioning at the hole outside the booth, "I'm gonna whisk it out so fast, they won't know what happened to it. And then we'll know exactly what they're up to."

Gintoki wanted to say _But I want to know what they're doing NOW, or it's going to be too late. _But there was no other plan, so they just sat there and waited.

Okita and Kagura were taking _forever. _The suspense was too much to handle. Hijikata whipped out a cigarette and began smoking. Soon, the whole booth was filled with smoke.

"Um, I can't breathe," Gintoki said.

"Get out then. I got here first. This is MY booth."

"You really aren't cute at all, you know that?"

"Do I LOOK like I give a damn about whether I'm cute or not?!"

Things would have turned a bit ugly, had Okita and Kagura's picture not popped out at that very moment. Both Gintoki and Hijikata leapt out of their booth in a scramble and attempted to grab the picture out of its little box.

"It's mine! I want to look at it first!"

"Fool! Get back in before they see us!"

Reluctantly, Gintoki went back into their hiding place and both of them scrutinized the picture together.

It was definitely not what he had expected. Rather than pictures of them undergoing any intimate activity, kissing, or even hugging, it was just them pulling weird faces at the camera, or holding hands. In other words, it was totally and 100% vanilla.

_I guess they're just a normal couple after all, _Gintoki thought, defeated. What was he expecting? That they do something outrageous so he could have an excuse to stop Kagura going out with a guy? More importantly - since when did he get so freaking selfish?

Hijikata also sat there, thinking silently.

_I didn't know Sougo could be so normal. Watching him with that girl... they actually make a pretty good couple._

_Which means... he's only sadistic towards ME?!_

(In spite of himself, Hijikata felt a teeny, tiny glow of happiness.)

Their fears completely subsided, and the picture innocently returned to the box, Gintoki and Hijikata left the purikura shop (on the way, they were ogled at by a bunch of hams who shook their heads sadly, muttering "Why are all the hot guys gay nowadays?" Luckily, neither of them overheard).

"Well, I guess I've ensured Kagura's safety," Gintoki said, as they stood outside in the street. It was already near dusk. Time to go home for dinner.

_Home alone, enjoying my miserable bachelorhood, _thought Gintoki sadly. Then he had an idea.

He reached out and grabbed Hijikata, who was just turning around to leave.

"Wanna join me for a drink?"

***

_**Epilogue**_

Kagura and Okita stepped out into the streets of Kabukichou.

"Are they gone yet?" Kagura muttered under her breath, looking from side to side.

"I think so." Okita peered around, searching for any sign of a familiar white, or black, head. There was none.

"I can't believe they've been following us around since this morning," Kagura complained. "What kind of grown adult does that? And one of them is a _cop _as well, which makes it worse -"

"Well, lesser minds like theirs tend to think alike," Okita said soothingly. "And I think we've managed to persuade them of our innocence."

Grinning, he took out his bag and unzipped it halfway so Kagura could see what was in it: tissues, a pack of condoms, handcuffs, and other instruments of dubious purpose.

"I hope you're ready."

Then, hand in hand, the two innocent lovers walked off into the sunset.

-END-


End file.
